hanging out with the wicked kids
by kopycat101
Summary: "Oh, lighten up, Tsutomu! I'm pretty sure most people do it. It's a natural thing." It became rather quiet, just then. "I…don't?" "Don't what?" she asks, genuinely confused. "I don't…do That."/ After a hard fight, new details about one another are revealed, and the two learn some facts about each others' cultures. (Season 1 fic. No smut. Platonic Birdy/Tsutomu.)


Author's Note: I'm back with more platonic Birdy and Tsutomu. Because their friendship in the series means so much to me, and [clenches fist] I love these two so, so much.

This fic is rated M because it involves the two characters exploring and sharing their sexualities. Plus, they talk about masturbation and related experiences in frank terms. No actual smut or steaminess occurs in this fic, so sorry if you were hoping for them getting into Shenanigans TM.

This fic takes place in Season 1, post episode 7. Title taken from The Love Club by Lorde, because I am unoriginal.

* * *

hanging out with the wicked kids

* * *

" _What about the kid?_

 _It's time the kid got free,_

 _Be a part of the love club,_

 _Everything will glow for you_."

—The Love Club by Lorde

* * *

Birdy gives an exaggerated groan, as she sinks down into the hot bathwater.

Today had been **awful**. She'd been running around all night after a mysterious being that was supposedly killing innocent victims in subway systems, for the off-chance that that Ryunka was involved. It ended up being a rogue marionette that was luring victims with music, killing any women that had short hair and glasses, because they resembled the marionette's past master.

That stupid hunk of scrap metal was a tougher opponent than she'd expected. It did quite a number on her back, before she gave it a good blast.

Not to mention, she was attacked by someone else. Someone who seemed to have Federation-issued armor, with their own guardian robot. Birdy didn't recognize the younger alien, but it was pretty obvious that this Federation officer seemingly went rogue as well. There was no other explanation for why they'd clashed over the marionette—a piece of evidence that would help in the Ryunka case.

It was just a long, stressful day.

"Worst. Day. Ever," the woman grunted, giving a huff, making her red-orange bangs flutter.

" _Well, at least now you know one more person who's an enemy, right? You were going in blind on the Ryunka case before this, and now you've got more information than you started with_ ," Tsutomu reasoned in her mind. " _Sure, you got your ass kicked, but this could be considered a win… I think._"

"I did **not** get my ass kicked!" Birdy exclaimed, offended, scrambling in her place in the tub to glare down at her reflection in the bathwater. She narrowed her eyes and jabbed a finger down at the image wavering on the water's surface, mirroring her irritation.

" _I mean, you sort of did. But, whatever makes you feel better, Birdy_ ," Tsutomu drawled in her mind, with a bit too much of an amused, patronizing tone that was warranted for the situation.

The woman blew a raspberry, eyes narrowed, before sinking back down into the bathtub. "Okay, **maybe** …But you didn't have to say it," she groused, trying not to pout.

" _Well, technically, I thought it_ ," the teen pointed out sassily. " _But, hey, it could be worse, right…?_ "

"If you wanna switch things up and hop into the driver's seat, so **you** can feel the soreness in our body right now—by all means! I'm sure you'll _love_ it," she snarked back, rotating her shoulder and rubbing at the tight muscle. She let out a pained groan, but switched to her opposite shoulder, trying to massage away the stiffness out of her limbs bit by bit.

" _No thanks, I'm good!_ " Tsutomu replied quite quickly, and just a bit nervously.

Birdy couldn't help the smirk tugging at her lips. "Oh, but Tsutomu…You'll **definitely** be feeling it when you wake up to go to school tomorrow morning. It'll hit you like a truck."

She could feel Tsutomu blanch in horror in their mind-space. " _But—Birdy, you almost got your spine snapped in half!_ " He sounded a little hysterical at the thought. " _Your body_ _ **literally**_ _created craters in the ground, from getting thrown around!_ "

The alien gave a short cackle. "Oh, don't you worry 'bout that, Tsutomu! Altan bodies are **much** more durable than that of you humans. I've also got a high pain tolerance. You'll just feel a little dead on your feet, in the morning, but you'll be good to go!"

" _If you say so…_ " the teen eventually murmured, obviously still with some reservations.

"Just don't overdo it, and you'll be fine," the woman hummed, arching her back to knead a fist into a particularly hard spot. "That includes no funny business at night," she added teasingly.

She was suddenly overcome with a flash of overwhelming embarrassment from the teen sharing her body, pulsating through their linked consciousness. Tsutomu squeaked and spluttered. " _B-Birdy! What the_ _ **fuck**_ _!_ "

"Hey, hey, it's nothing to be ashamed about. I'm pretty sure healthy males your age start those bodily processes," Birdy mused, tilting her head and thinking on it. "Most species begin sexual functions once they reach adolescence or maturation, and I don't think humans are any different."

" _Still!_ " Tsutomu started, heavily embarrassed. " _Birdy, oh my_ _ **God**_ _…Y-you can't just—just go and talk about that stuff!_ "

"Yeah, yeah, you humans and your strange social norms and taboos," she waved off idly, working out a knot on her neck. "I learned about sexual reproduction at a young age. No point in trying to keep up a sense of modesty, when I was learning how to kill a man with my bare hands by the time I was, like, five."

"… _You were a child soldier?_ " Tsutomu asked, with a sort of hushed quiet that was uncharacteristic of him, too heavy. It was a bit unnerving.

"Child soldiers are another concept from Earth," Birdy starts, frowning as she slowly rotated her head to work out the kinks.

"In Altair and the surrounding planets, apprenticeships and training for different vocations can start early. I was a special case—I was under Federation custody and surveillance since I was born. I always knew I was going to train to be a Federation officer," she mused, going down memory lane. "Some other kids my age were still going to school for basic education. But usually by age ten or so, kids get jobs or apprenticeships, or start training for their chosen careers. That's just how things were."

" _Right…Things are probably way different, where you're from. Makes sense_ ," Tsutomu comments, still with that odd, faraway tone. " _Different societies, different customs._"

"Believe me, it's been a bit of a trip, getting used to the customs of Earth," the alien says, beginning to massage her legs. "I think it's good, though, that you humans still go to mandatory school by your age. Even if there are wars or battles, your planet isn't involved in intergalactic conflicts. It gives you a bit of breathing room. You don't have to choose a role of a warrior, if you don't want to. The fact that you have a choice—that's one of the things I like about Earth."

" _Yeah…Yeah, I'm really lucky. My life's pretty good_ ," the teen answered, strangely melancholy.

Birdy clicked her tongue. This wouldn't do. She doesn't like it when Tsutomu starts getting all grave on her. He's a rather optimistic kid, and she admires that about him.

Time to bring back some levity here, before the atmosphere gets even heavier.

"Don't think you can change the subject on me, kid. Nice try, though; I'll give you that," she said, waving her finger down at her reflection in the bathwater.

Thankfully, this seemed to snap him out of his reverie. _"…Bwuh?_ " the boy asked, befuddled.

"About what you do in your _private time_ , Tsutomu," she tsked, grinning bemusedly down at her reflection, waggling her eyebrows. As he spluttered in her mind, she snickered. "Though, to be fair, I haven't caught you actually doing anything. Which is a miracle, all things considered."

" _Hey—what does that mean?!_ " Tsutomu shrieked in her mind, voice somehow going all squeaky. It was both hilarious and adorable; Birdy filed it away as possible blackmail material.

"I **mean** ," she starts, relaxing against the back of the tub, all loose muscles soaking up the deliciously warm water. "I'm a pretty woman that you're stuck inside of. You can see what I see, kid. So, you can see when I change and take baths and stuff. You pretty much get a free show. Any other guy would kill for that."

" _I-I would never…!_ " the teen starts, frantic and offended. " _I don't peep on you, Birdy! A-At least, not on purpose… "_

"Oh…?" Birdy hummed, tilting her head to the side. She tried to think back, if she could remember any times her companion actually purposefully watched through her eyes when it was an inappropriate moment.

Now that he brings it up…He really hasn't.

The first time she suddenly stripped to change into different clothes, he'd caught a glimpse, before squawking at her in embarrassment to stop it. And pretty much every time afterwards, he'd either request her to avert her gaze, or do the mental equivalent of clapping his hands over his eyes. Since he couldn't _not_ look through her gaze, his soul stuck in her body, he'd just…zone out, until she was done.

"Okay, true. You've been a perfect gentleman," she says, rubbing at her chin. "Though, I still don't get why? You've got a massive opportunity here, Tsutomu."

" _Because my mother taught me better!_ " he snarked back at her, still embarrassed and offended.

"But, haven't you ever been curious…? How a female looks, or feels. Because, lemme tell ya, they look and feel pre-etty good," she states candidly, bringing her hands up to pat at the top of her chest for emphasis.

" _B-Birdy! I-I wouldn't do that to you!_ " Tsutomu insists, doing the mental equivalent of smacking her on the back of the head, causing a point at the back of her skull to give a sudden throb of pain. " _That crosses_ _ **way**_ _too many lines…! There's the issue of consent, for one_."

"Well, I mean, my body is sort of your body. There's not getting around that, in our situation," she points out, bemused at how riled up the boy was getting. "Things are bound to happen."

" _Birdy. My mom and sister taught me to respect women_ ," Tsutomu deadpanned, but with a heavy weight of seriousness behind his statement. " _I won't look at you in that way, and I won't do anything to your body when I'm in control. That's just…common courtesy? Basic human decency? I respect you too much to pull that shit on you._"

And, okay, that made her clutch her chest because that was just… Tsutomu was a really good kid. Like, a genuinely good person, and it made her sort of proud?

Crap, now she was actually getting super emotional and teary. Abort, abort. Time to deflect with humor.

"Okay, I get it. But that doesn't answer the question of how I haven't seen you jack it for the past two months?" she mused—and, wow, if she'd thought Tsutomu was embarrassed before, he was absolutely **mortified** now.

" _ **What**_ _?!_ " he choked out, and she had to fight down a snicker.

"You know. Beat your meat? Play your fiddle? Pump your lever? Blow your horn? Fist your mister?"

" _Birdy, oh my_ _ **God**_ ," Tsutomu wheezed, no doubt having an aneurism.

"I can go aaaaaall day, kid. I've got about a hundred of these," she admits gleefully, with just a bit too much gusto. "Spanking the monkey? Doing the five-finger shuffle? Tugging the slug? Waxing your carrot? Wrestling the eel? Cooking your cucumber? Seasoning your meatloaf?"

" _Kill me. Just do it. Put me out of my misery_ ," Tsutomu wheezes out, sounding like he's lost all hope of living. " _Please, God, have mercy, and end my suffering. Just smite me. Rain down lightning from the sky, just to specifically end me._ "

Birdy cackled, slapping her hand on her knee, eyes tearing up in mirth. "W-What's wrong?" she manages to choke out through her laughter. "D-Don't like thinking a-about y-yanking your chain? Bashing your candle? Buttering your corn? Choking your chicken? Bwahahaha!"

" _I'm dead. I'm dying. You've killed me, Birdy ,"_ Tsutomu went on, voice deadpan and devoid of any emotion. _" Look at what you've done. Death by awful euphemisms. Is this real life? Or is this fantasy? I don't know anymore._"

"Oh, lighten up, Tsutomu! I'm pretty sure most people do it. It's a natural thing," she waved a hand around, giving a languid shrug.

It became rather quiet, just then. After about ten seconds of completely and utter silence, Birdy fidgeted, frowning. This silence…was uncomfortable.

"Tsutomu…?" the woman asked, softly, feeling a bit concerned. Was this too over the line…? Had she genuinely made him uncomfortable?

Had she hurt him?

" _I, um_ ," the teen starts, tentative. The alien relaxed, glad to hear him again, glad she hadn't angered him to the point where he employed the silent treatment. " _I…don't?_ "

"Don't what?" she asks, genuinely confused at the seemingly non-sequitur.

" _I don't…do That_ ," he stresses, and at first Birdy's completely lost, until she finally catches onto the meaning. Tsutomu squirms uncomfortably in their mind-space, admitting, " _I…never have, actually_."

"You've never masturbated before?" Birdy asks bluntly, incredibly fascinated with the concept. A flash of second-hand mortification courses through her body, and Tsutomu makes a keening noise like a wounded kitten. "Sorry, sorry. It's just—huh. I didn't know that was also a Thing with some humans? Wild."

" _It's not that common, I don't think_ ," Tsutomu explains, because he always tries to explain things to her about Earth customs, even if he doesn't particularly want to. " _From what I researched, only a small percentage of people are like me._ "

The woman hums, ruminating on what her companion said. She let it sink in for a moment, before her penchant for digging further overwhelmed her.

"So, like…You've **never** done it? Ever?" the alien wonders, curious despite herself. She knows this is wholly inappropriate to discuss—much less while she's bathing—but she can't help but be curious. This was information about Tsutomu that she never considered before.

" _I tried, once_ ," the teen admits, almost shamefully. " _Pulled up some articles online explaining how to do it and how it felt, and stuff. Looked up dirty videos and photos to, uh, help things along, but…_ "

"But?" she pushed gently.

" _Nothing. I didn't feel a thing_ ," he sighs, a bit forlorn, before giving a dry chuckle. " _I was scarred for life after looking through different stuff on the web to kickstart any, um, sexual energies. And believe me, there was some really gross and weird and scary stuff I came across. But I just? Wasn't feeling any of it_."

"Did you try gay porn?" Birdy asks, ever helpful, causing Tsutomu to choke at her bluntness. "Because that usually does it for me."

" _I, uh? Wow, I-I never knew, Birdy. Um_ ," Tsutomu trips over himself, mind scattered, before settling on, " _I, ah, actually tried that. And still, nothing._ "

"Damn. Guess we can rule out you being gay, then," she muses, and he snorts. "Shame. Would've been nice to have someone here to talk with about that."

" _Well, I guess you can still talk to me about that…?_ " the teen offers, a little awkwardly. " _If you really don't find anyone else. I won't be able to really give you good opinions on your, uh, preferences, though. Since I don't…Feel that way. Because I'm asexual, and all._"

The alien cuts off the human's rambling with another question. "Asexual? I didn't think humans could reproduce asexually. Or am I missing some key information about human reproduction here…?"

" _Oh! Oh, no, that's not—_ " Tsutomu starts, a bit sheepish as he begins his explanation. " _You're right, humans don't reproduce asexually. But 'asexual' is a term that's also used if someone doesn't feel any sexual attraction. Or if they're repulsed by, ah, sex._ "

The teen was still rather awkward about explaining his sexuality to her, and he whispered the word 'sex' as if it was the dirtiest word he'd ever said in his entire life. But she was proud that he was opening up to her about this, being able to confide in her about something so important to his identity, and glad that he was explaining things to her in terms she could understand so she could support him better.

"Huh. I guess that's a new Earth concept I learned today," Birdy mused, filing the term 'asexual' in her head for later use. "We don't really have a word for that, like humans do. You just say " _I don't have sex_ " or " _I'm celibate_ ", and that's it."

" _Oh. Do you have any terms for, like, genders and preferences, and stuff?_ " Tsutomu wondered, seemingly as fascinated by her culture as she was of his.

"We have multiple spectrums and terms for that. Gender is especially broad, since many different species have different meanings and such for what gender and sex is," the alien starts, propping a foot on top of her knee to knead at it.

"In the Federation, especially in the barracks, we tend to keep things simple. Unless we need to note specifics on reports, or if someone asks to be known a certain way, we use blanket terms. Like, if you're not straight, you're gay. There's males, females, and in-betweens. If you don't have sex, you just don't."

"… _Wow, that must make things simple_ ," the teen notes, sounding a bit more relaxed compared to before.

"I guess it sorta does? Doesn't matter too much in the Federation, so long as you train and do your job," she shrugs, picking under her toe nails. "I find that the terms you Earthlings use are super unique and fun, though. I've adopted the term 'lesbian', for example. I've told my old girlfriends about it, and they really liked it. 'Specially Weegie, she said it was cute. Nechla wasn't a fan, but, eh—she doesn't have the best taste anyways."

Tsutomu jolted in her mind, almost slipping up and trading places with her. She blinked heavily, reorienting herself in the bathtub. "Tsutomu, the heck?"

" _Weegie? You mean, that nice dog lady you're friends with, who works under your boss?_" Tsutomu asked, baffled. " _And Nechla?! I thought you two hated each other! She was a total bitch to the both of us, when we went to that trial over you destroying my body!_ "

"Eyup. Those are the ones," Birdy replied dryly, placing the opposite foot on a knee to examine. "I've known 'em since forever, back while training to become Federation officers. Weegie's probably the sweetest of the lot, and the ex I talk with the most. Admittedly, Nechla was a few degrees less of a bitch back then, but yeah, you're not wrong."

"… _That's so weird. Like_ ," the teen mutters, voice sympathetic. " _You broke up, but you still have to work with them. Doesn't it make things awkward?_ "

"I mean, a little? But it's only awkward if you **make** it awkward," the woman shrugs, carefully swiveling her foot around. "I'm on good enough terms with most of them—barring Nechla, obviously—that it's not that much of an issue? Plus, we're adults. We can work like the professionals we are, when we have to."

" _Man, I can't even imagine having to do that. I can barely get over having old friends that I've lost touch with_ ," the human says, shaking his head. " _Like, I haven't even dated_ _ **one**_ _person yet. But I know that couples break up all the time, so the chances of having an ex is pretty high_."

"Oh? You haven't been in a relationship yet?" Birdy perked up, a wide grin forming on her face. She began to coo. "Dawwww, that's precious! You're just a wittle babyyyy."

She could feel Tsutomu cringe. " _Please, never say that about me ever again, I beg of you_."

The woman snickered, overjoyed that she found an opening she could tease her companion incessantly over. "C'mon, c'mon! You're like a pure maiden, Tsutomu. Without a proclivity for any _funny business_ , you'd make the perfect boyfriend for any sweetheart!"

" _Oh, shut up_ ," the boy huffed, tone colored with embarrassment.

"It's a good thing, Tsutomu! You're not gonna act like a horn dog like other guys your age, and you'll respect pretty much anyone you date, 'cuz that's just how you are," she said, trying her best at being encouraging. "You sound like a total catch! Kids your age are gonna start throwing themselves at you!"

" _Birdyyyy—oh my God, please stop_ ," the teen whined. If he was in control of their body, Birdy had no doubts that he would be hiding a blushing, flustered face in his hands. " _I don't—I don't want people_ _ **throwing**_ _themselves at me! And it wouldn't happen in a million years, anyways._ "

"Not with that attitude, Tsutomu!" she chirped, making Tsutomu release a noise in their mind-space that reminded her of a strangled kitten. "But, yeah, you probably don't want a lot of people after you…However… I can think of a certain someone you'd want to date!"

Birdy's grin widened, becoming gleeful as Tsutomu spluttered. "One little Na-ka-su-gi. Ring any bells?"

" _ **Birdy**_ _!_ " he yelped, doing the mental equivalent of flailing his arms around. " _I-It's not—I don't—_ "

"Oh c'mon, Tsutomu. You and I both know that you like her," she hummed, keeping her eyes up at the ceiling as she expertly stood up and exited the bathtub. Her gaze locked on clean tile, she extended a hand to the place where she always put her towel, and wrapped herself up in it. "The sickeningly sweet adoration that flares up every time you see her nowadays gives away your crush on her."

" _I…Okay, m-maybe I have a crush on her_ ," he admitted in a sigh, resigned. " _I can't exactly hide anything from you, so…Alright. I admit it. "_

Birdy squealed, dancing around a bit in her towel. "I think it's super cute! You two are in clumsy, but adorable, puppy love. So pure, so sweet, so rare. You two are just? Incredibly precious. I think I'm even gonna cry?"

She shoved her face into the small mirror in the bathroom, pointing out the (very real!) tear welling up in the corner of her left eye. "Tsutomu, I'm shedding a tear right now. This is actually happening. I'm really crying at your adorable, precious crush on Sayaka Nakasugi."

" _Birdy,_ _ **please**_ _. This is embarrassing enough as it is_ ," Tsutomu groaned, a slew of emotions filling her up. Embarrassment was at the forefront, but there was also fondness, timidity, and relief. " _Just. Just go dry off and change, so I can take a turn in our body, okay? It's been a long day, and I've still got homework I need to finish_."

"Aye aye, captain!" the woman chuckled, giving a two-fingered salute at her reflection in the mirror before exiting the room, heading to Tsutomu's bedroom. "Don't stay up too late, y'hear? You'll need all the energy you can get, for tomorrow!"

" _Yeah, I got it_ ," the teen sighed in her mind. " _I am_ _ **so**_ _not looking forward to waking up sore tomorrow…Bleh._"

"Just let the thought of seeing Nakasugi at school give you the energy to live through it!" Birdy said innocently, transforming into casual clothes in one instant, before morphing into Tsutomu the next. She left Tsutomu standing in his room, squawking into thin air as he tried to berate her.

"Birdy! That was a cheap shot, and you know it!"

* * *

Notes:

Tsutomu is most definitely a feminist, who genuinely respects Birdy and considers her a close friend. Since in-series he doesn't think about, or do anything gross, to Birdy (which is something that could've happened, considering how another series would've taken their situation and made it something super perverted) it's obvious that Tsutomu treats women with the respect they deserve.

Tsutomu is ace, and you can pry this headcannon from my cold, dead hands.

Birdy is a lesbian. You can also pry this headcannon from my cold, dead hands.

Birdy's also demiromantic, and doesn't get into relationships unless she knows the person well. She, Weegie, and Nechla all trained together to become Federation officers, so they've known each other well for years. This also helps explain the romantic subplot in Season 2 with her childhood friend Nataru.


End file.
